The gaming dilemma
Last Saturday I read something scary at Scary Worlds. His narrative is not a new one: aspirations never achieved, because they were never reached for when the time was right. I believe that all of us are on the same life quest, but on a different stage: Scary, in his mid-life crisis, looks back disappointed in his complacency; I look into the future afraid of reaching back and feeling the same way. That is why this is a difficult time for me, the time for choosing who I want to become. And that choice is grounded on many different expectations and inner and outer pressures.
I listened to an emissary of the American Dream who told me that one should never give up ambition, and I am inclined to agree with him, even though the Dream has been proven fallacious since The Great Gatsby. Ursula LeGuin, a writer I just recently discovered and that I begin to admire above our forefathers, once said: "Success is somebody else's failure. Success is the American Dream we can keep dreaming because most people in most places, including thirty million of ourselves, live wide awake in the terrible reality of poverty." But what my dreamer friend told me stroke true as well. It was a long conversation whose essence can be summed up as: "if you do not reach for greatness, if you settle for contentment, your work will be mediocre."
One of the key things that held me back from working hard on my dream (writing THE novels I had planned since I was a teenager) was gaming. One of my greatest passions, but also one of my most ravenous tempters. I do not blame gaming in particular, but entertainment as a concept. Mass, dulling, lulling entertainment. If it had not been gaming, it could have been the TV, but I doubt that would have held the same appeal to me. Gaming provided me with almost everything that I lacked in real life: a strong bond to dad; a welcoming community for a confused teenager; easy, reachable goals which made real success too much hard; a ravishing world I could inhabit when my working class environment seemed too poor when held against my science fiction fantasies; also a creative outlet through which I rp'ed, and so I deferred the other non-transient creations. But there are net-positives in my experience as well: I met lots of people that have been instrumental in my life, and my current partner. I could not ever resent my journey, but I do resent the fact that I have a hard time letting go of an entertainment that saps the energy out of me. These ephemeral dreams of social life through raiding, of accomplishment in execution of an irrelevant skill, of grind for a virtual item... No more.
My dilemma is the following: I enjoy games, but I fall into their Skinner box traps, their virtual-as-real successes. Thankfully, it is only these routine-like games like MMOs that drive me to such mind state. RPGs are safe. Not all entertainment is dangerous.
I know that what I have written will rub most of you the wrong way. It feels fascist to claim that entertainment is dangerous and thus it should be banned (although Huxley spoke of entertainment as oppression and he was much more spot-on than Orwell). That is not my meaning. What I want to expose here is the mechanism which has trapped me and some others into passivity. The way easy pleasures take over your inclination for something higher, if you ever had it. Which reminds me of the recent conversation about 'fun' and 'accomplishment' feelings. In the game context, we talked about games which felt like easy fun and games that required you to work to achieve something. You can apply the same concept in real life. But looking back into the gaming conversation, I have this question: "Is achieving something in a game a real achievement?"
In games there is no failure. It is the American Dream. Work hard enough and you will be on the top, or near enough that you feel accomplished. If your guild could not progress through T5, change guilds. There is no such thing as unemployment, competition, gamble. It will trick you into thinking yourself successful, while turning failure into a momentary lapse towards victory. But wipes occur in real life too, and they are much harsher, and not always lead to victory in the end. That is why we enjoy this Dream so much, and why we cower in the thought of undertaking a real enterprise. Human beings are irrationally afraid of failure. I think we should take a lesson from MMOs here and think of it as a progression raid: there will be wipes, and you will learn and become a better player thanks to them. Success is not guaranteed, but failure is whenever you stop trying.
Entertainment, the dulling kind, does two things in my opinion: one, it distracts you from yourself. We demand to be entertained, to be separated from our overwhelming minds. If done when really required, after a tiresome day, it can certainly be healthy. When done as a routine, you are losing on the opportunity to engage in mental growth through good books, good games, and something that has never been more devalued: good thinking. Now every moment of leisure is occupied with a mobile device that fills our ears, hands and minds. It is as if we were scared of being alone with ourselves. The other thing that entertainment does is fill our head with the ideology of our current society, which goes unchallenged in our passivity. Do not underestimate the power of narrative. It is everywhere around us, and shapes everything. It puts words into our mouth which we have not thought ourselves (how many times I had to explain that protein comes as easily from vegetables as it does from meat, as I introduce myself as a vegan).
I am aware this is not a post for everybody. It took me some time to learn that there are lots of people who do not have such clear-cut ambitions, and which are content and happy with a 'passive' life, or which have done enough to lean now on the rocking chair. I direct this to people who have a boiling energy under their skin, and which they might have quenched with a downpour of games and series and silly things. Distractions from their frightening epic quest. Do not settle for grey-level quests, dear reader, when you can take the orange ones solo; as for the group quests, we are always here to help: friends, family, random strangers over the internet.
I'm leaving you this song, passed on to me by a short-term lover and long-term dear friend. I passed it on to my partner. I think it contains the simplest and most fundamental message that has ever been sung.
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I very much like the idea that failure only occurs when you stop trying.
Coreus recently posted..Super Fucking Meat Boy
What is it you will keep trying for? ;)
Well… good luck.
As for myself, I agree with Jane McGonigal in that I doubt anyone is going to actually regret having spent time playing games on their deathbed. Besides, is there a reason you weren’t writing on your raiding off-nights? Do both, be happier, problem solved.
Azuriel recently posted..Character Select Screen
I would regret it if I felt that it made me lose myself in its fantastic worlds when I had more important things to accomplish in real life. I believe that is quite a valid reason, don’t you think? In any case, I think I did not make it clear enough in my post: I am not quitting games entirely, but I am quitting the mindless meaningless sessions of grind, power-creep and mere distraction. Some MMOs I will play as I play WoW now: inhabiting the game as a roleplayer, not leveling more than 30 levels in 3 months. The world part of MMOs is a feature that has not been translated that well in other genres. The only substitute I can think of is NWN 1 and 2 with their persistent worlds, but those are clunky old games. I hope a replacement comes soon.
You seem inspired and I’m very happy to see that. I think you are right that sometimes we smother the flames of our ambition or become so discouraged by harsh realities that we retreat into fantasy and easy pickings. I think, though, there’s some complicated psychoanalysis to be commented upon in there …which I’m not qualified to do. I just know that there are a whole host of valid reasons why the smothering occurs. Yet what’s important is that when you become aware you reignite the flame.
Keep writing please :) Look forward to your first novels and, most importantly, to your next blog post!
Thank you for your support, Doone/Donne ;). You shook off my inertia and helped me back on my track. I’ll pm you when there is something more definite that I can share. Take care :)
A very though-provoking read. I’m contemplating a major shift in career, and a necessary career-break to study for that. I’m close enough to mid-life to have wondered if this is a crisis, though I’d rather consider it ‘stepping off treadmill’.
I would add to your discussion that not everyone leaves school with their life mapped out. I went into IT back in the ‘pre-dotcom’ euphoria, and have thought about a career as a translator at two different moments in my life but have now settled on wanting to work in sustainable energy. It’s a long and complex journey that I’m on now but I have hope that it’ll lead to a much more fulfilling future than the 12 years I have worked in IT.
I’ll have to reduce my gaming hours to concentrate on study in the coming months, but it’ll remain there ticking over as a stress-relief and shared hobby with my partner.
Telwyn recently posted..Anticipating the storm
Good luck to you. It seems like a huge step you are taking, since the change from IT to sustainable energy is so pronounced. But precisely because of that, I am sure that you will do fine. After all, only if we have the passion and the certainty, do we take such abrupt swerves. And the fact that you are willing to shake your life and learn new things after having already ‘settled’ is wonderful. You will never get bored this way :)
Oh, and I’m not quitting my hobby entirely either. I should have made this clear in the post. I merely want it to be meaningful, not an activity undertook to distract myself from more pressing matters. The way you treat it is precisely how I want to use it: to share it with my partner, and on stressful days.
Inspiras a cualquiera con tu espíritu soñador, Marta… =)
Eres una persona fascinante y que está destinada a hacer algo grande -no sé si alguna vez antes te lo había dicho, pero te lo digo ahora-. Creo que tú eres la menos indicada para preocuparse por los efectos adversos del entretenimiento, pues por mucho que te excedas en recrearte siempre terminas logrando algo grande, y nunca sucumbes a la pasividad y al conformismo como la mayoría.
De todas formas no puedo hacer otra cosa más que agradecértelo. Siempre te encuentras en el momento oportuno para dar razones por las que no rendirse y alcanzar tus metas. Sabes contagiar el espíritu del guerrero como la mejor =)
I enjoyed the read, and the mental teasing of it, I do agree with you that sometimes we leave ourselves loose on our virtual quest’s to end up loosing our track from the real quest.
So, does that mean you are vegan now? :D
Love that song.. /hug
<3 Thullbie
It seems all bloggers go through this. At some point, they lament about “wasting” time in games, and worrying about how they might be missing opportunities while playing games.
Another of my favorite bloggers went through this: http://crpgaddict.blogspot.com/2012/01/in-recovery.html Being self-employed, he saw playing CRPGs and blogging about it as being a distraction. But, not a month later (link at the top of that blog entry) he realizes that it just wasn’t the case. He needed downtime. Instead of playing CRPGs, he found himself just staring at the TV or doing something else even more mindless.
People who care enough about games to start writing about them are a step beyond the normal game player. Someone who can think about games and write about them in an insightful manner is special. Thankfully you aren’t trying to drop games cold turkey. :)
I can accept that some people out there might use gaming to avoid dealing with actual problems they really should deal with. But, my experience is that for the most gaming doesn’t inflict harm on people. The depressed person who plays too much WoW is self-medicating in a less harmful way than they person who drinks alcohol to excess to forget their pain. And, perhaps if you’re in a situation where your best friend is being too moody to talk to and your bank account is negative because a contract hasn’t paid you on time, sometimes just going around and doing a bit of mindless grind in an MMO is what the doctor should order.
Here’s my advice for you: make sure that games are causing an actual harm rather than worrying about them causing harm. Thinking about what you could have done doesn’t help. But, if you set realistic goals for yourself and you find yourself ignoring those goals to just hang out in a game, then maybe you need worry about gaming.
Until then, don’t neglect the side of you that just needs a bit of downtime. The part of you happy to riffle a deck of cards or pop bubblewrap for a bit. Neglect that part, and stress will do more damage to you than any amount of mindless time in MMOs will ever do.
And make sure to keep writing this blog. Okay, that’s not so much advice as a selfish request. ;)
Brian ‘Psychochild’ Green recently posted..The anniversary of my birth
That’s really good advice, and I appreciate it. Indeed, I am not rejecting games altogether. I am still happily subscribed to WoW because of that exhilarating roleplaying adventure that is soon reaching its closure, which at the same time relieves and agitates me: what will I do after that? I don’t have the strength to create such overwhelmingly energetic characters again. I am sapped, as if I had just written a book. I might turn to more traditional tabletop roleplaying afterwards, but I will surely miss my pixels.
I am also planning to bring my bf on a ride through the classics, starting with Diablo II. And I cannot wait to replay NWN2. As a trailer of a future post, I’ll say that I have found some interesting connections between some of my favourite NPCs and the female-created male heroes of the nineteenth century. My re-reading of Wuthering Heights is totally unrelated.
Thank you for your advice and concern, although you need not worry ;).
Tabletop RPGs are ripe with possibility. Are you on Google+? There’s a very vibrant community of tabletop RPG developers and players on there. I’d be happy to get you following some people to get an eye on that if you’re interested.
Brian ‘Psychochild’ Green recently posted..The anniversary of my birth
Here’s my G+, although I haven’t used it much since I have most of my contacts on FB. But what you mention sounds definitely interesting. I heard that there’s a whole community of tabletop gaming on g+, turn-based or real-time, which I’d like to look into, although my tabletop is quite rusty I the only system I’ve played under was D&D. I’ll look into it, thanks for the heads-up.
Circled you and sent you some info. Enjoy! :)
Brian ‘Psychochild’ Green recently posted..The anniversary of my birth
I’ll be honest and say that this article does indeed make me uncomfortable. I cannot decide whether you’re actually writing about having lost your way (and found it) here or whether THIS post isn’t actually you losing your way. there is always a red alert in my mind when gamers/geeks come down with their illumination speech where they ultimately trivialize or diminish the value of their past interest, passion or pastime. it is this enthusiasm for having found the ‘truth’ of things (or seen the light) that personally has me very skeptical – especially when it comes with popular fallacies such as “all the things I could’ve done instead” or “gaming held me back”. gaming didn’t hold you back, it was you who held you back. gaming was just an excuse and distraction.
I hope this comment doesn’t come across too strong as it’s not meant to be. I actually believe reasoning like that is falling for a trap.
that said, there’s absolutely a moment in time when playing games somewhere out there is harmful to ‘somebody’ in a sense that it’s dulling him/her for too long. but I have come to know way more of the opposite in my life and would echo much of what Psychochild has already written. I’ve also published a fairly personal post on this subject matter quite some time ago, so maybe for better context: http://raging-monkeys.blogspot.ch/2011/07/aint-no-shame-where-theres-fun.html
Most importantly though, while we’re in deep waters and the meaning of life and all: what’s with the distinction between real things and virtual? why qualify them? what’s with the ‘passivity’ label?
why not keep it to the simplest of all truths – which is that life is about finding happiness and doing what you love(?)
Do what you love. if it involves gaming and lots of it, do that. if it involves writing about gaming, do that. if you don’t enjoy these things anymore, do something else. but I would be careful with the growing up speeches. that said, I do by all means wish you luck in pursuing your professional career, whether it will entail gaming or not. I’ve come to realize in the past few months that, for myself, my geeky passions ARE who I truly am and when I am the happiest. and my oh-so accomplished professional life (which unfortunately is neither in gaming nor writing right now) does nothing but steal more and more time from that with little in return except for money. gaming is part of who I am and I embrace myself. if virtual is what makes me happy then I need a lot less real on my plate.
Anyway, good luck!
Syl recently posted..[GW2] Of Lost Shores and Found Hopes
As I wrote to Psychochild, I am not quitting gaming entirely, it is more of a matter of moderation and understanding the difference between dulling myself with a passive activity and engaging in an interesting, meaningful game. I have come to realise that, for me, the type of game that MMOs have turned into is not worth the huge time investment that they require. RPGs and other games I still play, especially with my partner. The only difference is, I keep myself in rein.
I agree with you that games are not responsible for what I do with my life, but I am, and I want to winnow those activities that in the end leave me feeling guilty and empty. You would brandish here the idea that what is fun is always worth it, but there are at least two problems with that thought: 1) We are not all made the same way. For me, having mindless fun that goes nowhere (leveling a character for the sake of passing the time) leaves me completely unsatisfied. So, why reach for endgame WoW if I am not going to PvE, PvP or even visit Pandaria? This is merely my personal idiosyncrasy; 2) Sometimes we have to make sacrifices in order to reach certain goals, and that includes cutting in self-indulgence. Not completely, but in some form. That means, for me, no more throwing away 10+ hours a week raiding as I had been considering doing.
My post must have come across too black and white, and for that I am sorry, I did not mean to sound so ominous. On the other hand, your response is very black and white as well: the regret of not having done things because something held you back is valid in some cases. I remember when I quit WoW circa the end of TBC. Instead of raiding, I spent all my nights writing. I was not watching TV or sitting on the sofa daydreaming, I was actually doing what I wanted to do. It lasted a few months, and then I felt really lonely. It was a difficult time in my life, I had just started university without knowing what I wanted and I considered quitting. I still don’t think that was the ideal degree, but I have somehow managed to direct it to something positive. I was too radical cutting from games entirely, which left me yearning for some form of entertainment, and for that reason I am more cautious with radicalisms now.
I believe that this posts that we bloggers issue from time to time act as a therapy, and should be considered as valid within very strict limits (the experience of each one of us). Sometimes they contain valid pieces of wisdom that may apply to us as well, but it is mostly a reflection of the psyche of the writer, and not a recipe for everybody to follow.
Thanks for stopping by and being honest, I really appreciate it.